I was not prepared for what happened to me…

I might not be a genius but nor am I stupid. I’m a solicitor, specialising in conveyancing as well as being a partner in a practice in the town that I grew up in. I am married to a wonderful man that I met in my last year of university, and we have 2 grown up children. I have known my best friend since I was 5, when we both started the same primary school. I had (and still have, thankfully) a very nice life with very few worries and good relationships.

And yet my life completely unravelled at the age of 48, and I had no idea what was happening to me. I now know the first sign was that I started putting weight on but I just thought it was ‘middle age spread’. My hair started to thin too, but again I didn’t really register it as anything significant. It was the insomnia that really started the downward spiral. I started waking up at 3 or 4 am and just could not get back to sleep. I tried chamomile tea and over the counter sleep aids, but nothing helped and during the course of a month or so my mood just nose dived. 

I find it quite hard to think about now. It was so awful. All I wanted to do was sleep and I couldn’t find the wherewithal to do anything other than go to work. I didn’t want to go out or see anyone, I could barely raise a smile and I was horrible to be around. My work started to suffer and to my lasting shame, my senior partner sat me down one day and asked me what on earth was going on. I burst into tears and, for the next 30 minutes, sobbed like a child. It was the most humiliating experience of my professional life. However, we agreed that I should take a week off and I went home and made an appointment to see my GP. 

I have been registered at the same GP practice all my life. The only doctor available was a locum and, whilst he was sympathetic, he was clearly quite keen to get rid of me and I left with… antidepressants and sleeping tablets. It didn’t even occur to me that my sleep problems, depression, weight gain and thinning hair might all be perimenopausal symptoms.  It clearly didn’t occur to the doctor either, and so I got on what I now call ‘The Happy Pill Treadmill’. 

For the next year I went to the doctor at least 6 times as things went from bad to worse. The sleeping pills certainly worked, but I still felt exhausted. The antidepressants certainly had an effect, but that was to make me go utterly numb. I felt literally nothing. I was utterly hopeless and there were many mornings that I considered suicide. I used to go to bed every night hoping I wouldn’t wake up.

My poor husband literally didn’t know what to do with me and, in desperation, he rang my best friend to ask for her help. Sadly, they both ended up in tears as neither of them had any idea how to help me. I am so sorry that I did that to them.

Things were at a very low ebb when my daughter asked if she could move back home (her flatmate had moved in with her boyfriend and she couldn’t afford the rent on her own). I don’t think either of the children had realised just how bad things had got. It was my daughter that first suggested that maybe I was in perimenopause and I am so proud of her I can’t tell you. It was so obvious when she said it! I felt like such an idiot. How did I not realise?

I went back to the doctor to discuss the situation and I decided to start HRT. I can’t say that it changed my life instantly, but I did start to feel more like myself and less like some reanimated corpse. Getting off the ‘Happy Pill Treadmill’ is not easy though and it took 2 years to reduce the dose and get to a place that felt good. It has been a very rough road.

Shortly before my daughter moved out again, she and my husband conspired to get me a dog. They rescued an absolute angel from Dog’s Trust and she changed my

life.  Her joie de vivre is contagious and she makes me smile every day.  Plus, I had never before realised just how transformative just walking can be both mentally and physically. 

I wish with all my heart that I had discussed the menopause with my mother. Maybe I would have been more alert to the signs had I known her story? Sadly, Mum died earlier this year and she had just gone into a care home due to her dementia when my symptoms started. I have no idea what she went through. I’m just glad that I have discussed it with my daughter and also my son. 

I recommend walking as much as possible and in as greener place as possible. 

It literally can only do you good.

I am living proof that things can get better even when you can’t see how.